The Sh*t No One Told Me About: Getting Pregnant

I remember it like it was yesterday.  My husband and I went to have a preconception consultation.  My husband is in his fifties, after all.  I just wanted to chat with my OB/GYN and make sure that we had the green light to start trying.  *Also, my brother and SIL had a lot of challenges getting pregnant - and we learned through them that you can't start fertility stuff until you've tried for over a year and your doc has record of it ... so the consultation was our way of drawing a line in the sand on our insurance. :)  We went sometime in June 2016 and I immediately went off the pill.  I watched my cycle and then calculated my ovulation ... and then avoided my husband during those three days for 2 months.  I was scared shitless. Were we REALLLLLY ready?! Because if I let that happen during ovulation ... and we immediately got pregnant - would I be ready to be pregnant, give up wine, gain pregnancy weight, and become a mama?!?  

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We honeymooned in Italy in late July and 'tried' there.  My poor hubby had no idea that we weren't trying at the right time.  We came back from Italy and I took a pregnancy test just for shits and giggles.  Not pregnant.  As I suspected because after all, I was watching and following my cycle.  What I didn't expect to feel was disappointment.  I was disappointed that we didn't get pregnant on our honeymoon.  LIKE ... HELLLLOOOO Deidre.  I knew all along that I likely wouldn't ...but what that disappointment told me was that I was as ready as I would ever be.  Thank God for that.  Fast forward to August - I return from a retreat in Orlando with my fellow coaches and was ovulating that night and the next three days .... so I finally count that as 'trying'.  That night I told Howard, I think that we will be pregnant after this.  A few days later I told him again - I think I got pregnant.  I even texted my friend Jen and told her that I felt weird and different and told her I think I got pregnant.  

Fast forward again about 7-8 days later, I foolishly pee on a stick.  I mean, the commercials say early detection - five days before your missed period!!! Negative.  Four days before your missed period.  Negative.  Three days.  Negative.  Then I promised myself I wouldn't pee on a stick until I was actually late.  One day late.  Negative.  Two days late.  Negative.  Now I'm discouraged.  I feel even stupid to think I could have "known" and "felt different".  Three days late ... I don't even bother pissing away more money on stupid sticks that read NEGATIVE.  Five days late ... ok, just one more test.  Of course, I was all out of the digital ones at this point so I had to pee on a two lines generic brand - crappy one.  I also vividly remember this memory.  Friday, September 16th - my HS best friend, Chad Tweedy's birthday.  --- HOLY SHIT.  Is that a second line?  It seems so faint.... maybe I'm imagining things?!  

I walk out of the bathroom and say in the most awkward voice .... "Howarddddd..."  I call my husband almost entirely by Howie ... or babe.... so my using his full name I think got his attention.  "I think I'm pregnant", and I show him the stupid test with the vague two lines.  ((I'm a bit obsessive about things so I ran to the drug store over lunch to pee on a new digital one ... sure enough, PREGNANT.))  

I'm elated.  We are shocked.  I am freaked out.  Hell, he is freaked out.  We are worried.  We are happy.  I am glowing.  We are scared out of our minds. We are thankful.  And, I am filled with guilt.  

So much is still at risk in the first 3 months of pregnancy and I sure as hell didn't want to tell people I was pregnant and then have to later tell them I'm not pregnant anymore.  Howard and I decided to wait until the second trimester to tell my close family, friends and to put in on social media.  

But a week after finding out I was pregnant - I lost my job.  I went home from losing my job and I didn't cry or freak out.  I had the weirdest calm over me - and I remember saying - God, you planned this for us, and I am trusting 100% in you to provide for us and to open our next door.  He always provides.   

As sick as I was, I couldn't keep this crazy secret from my close family and friends.  Here I was laid off, exhausted, nauseous, unable to drink wine ... someone was going to catch on.  I mean - I love my wine.  So, I remember having my family over for dinner before a Cubs playoff game and I had to excuse myself to lie down ... and I gave away some of my leftover wine blaming it on a 'fitness challenge' I was currently doing.  I was so scared someone was going to call me out that night for being pregnant.  Right after Howard and I heard that sweet racing heartbeat at our next doctors appointment, we decided to tell our close family and friends.  In the end, it was such a relief to share our joy and excitement with them and to no longer have to keep that secret  while I felt so terrible, was unemployed, and so emotional.  Even with the job and health insurance uncertainty, I was more scared to tell my family!!  I told my baby brother first.  He was deployed at that time and I felt that telling him first was a way I could include him in a special way since he couldn't be here for the majority of my pregnancy.  And then there was telling my older brother.  My older brother and his wife had been trying over two years - and here we get pregnant the FIRST TIME we try.  How unfair was this?!  I told all my family before telling my older brother and his wife.  I just felt so terrible and guilty that it happened so quickly and easily for us.  I remember apologizing to my brother first and telling him separately and then asking him how to tell my dear SIL because I didn't want to upset her.  They both took the news SO WELL and were so overjoyed to become an uncle and aunt for the first time.  Our entire family welcomed this pregnancy with excitement at becoming aunts and uncles for the first time - Miss Pix was so special and she didn't even know it yet.     

Here I was FB video chatting my baby brother in the Middle East to tell him first ... that he was going to be an UNCLE! UNCLE MAK!!

Here I was FB video chatting my baby brother in the Middle East to tell him first ... that he was going to be an UNCLE! UNCLE MAK!!

I realize wholeheartedly that we were truly blessed in our journey to get pregnant.  That is NOT lost on me.  In a sick way, I had to believe that through all the other trials and tribulations of my life, God was giving me this gift of a quick conception.  My own lack of relationship with my mother made me almost NOT become a mother myself.  In hindsight, I'm not sure I could have dealt with the troubles of getting pregnant.  I am so very thankful each and every day for that pregnancy and what that pregnancy gave us - Miss Anna Pixley Wilson.  

Our bodies are truly the most INCREDIBLE machines.  Yesterday I caught myself looking, studying, and burning in my memory her sweet little feet.  She has my feet.  Her toes are my long skinny toes.  Her arch is my arch.  She even has the wrinkly lines on the bottom of her feet like I do.  God is such a GREAT God.  He gave us Pix.  He made her little toes to be just like my toes.  He made her little feet to match my feet.  I am so very thankful and grateful - and completely understand that it isn't that easy for so many women in the world.  Once I found out that I was pregnant - I prayed and prayed and prayed and nearly begged God - to give me a sweet baby girl who is just like me.  I was a broken record in prayer with God.  Praying and begging, praying and begging ... He knew all along that He would give me this sweet baby girl who was just like me and He knew how she would forever change my life and heart.  What I didn't know - was how I could ever have enough love in my soul to give to both her, Howie and Whiskey.  Like I said, our bodies ... and souls ... are incredible.  Now, I'm going to go play with, snuggle and kiss that precious gift from God.  

Photo Credit:  Kara Evans Photographer