5 Reasons I Said I'd Never Become a Mom
I asked today on a post if you would like to read my emotional and mental journey as I become a mother - and the response was tremendously positive ... encouraging me to blog and share with the world. So, here goes!
got incredibly emotional on my flight to Vegas over the weekend. Why? Because I'm finally feeling so connected to this little human growing inside of me. Feeling him or her kicking or whatever the baby is doing in there, I couldn't help but smile. The incredible miracle this experience truly is - to MAKE and CARRY a human life. The first 15 or so weeks didn't feel like this emotionally. I was more convincing myself that I was becoming a mom and that there really WAS something inside me growing even though I couldn't feel most movements - well, and trying not to fall asleep or puke those first 15 weeks!!
Now that our baby is noticeable moving - it is SO real. I AM becoming a mother. A child I haven't even met yet, but feel like I'm getting to know better and better each day - and falling more in love each day too.
If you had asked me 5 years ago whether I'd have children I would have flat out told you NO. WHY? I'm not entirely sure that I had ONE GOOD reason, but I know I had many reasons - and I'd love to share some of those with you.
Reason 1: My own mother.
I don't have and I don't want a relationship with my own mother. She has done things that while someday I hope I can forgive, I know I'll never forget and I'll be fearful that she could do what she did again. One of the craziest emotional roller coasters of my pregnancy is trying to understand how or why she could do what she did to her own children?! I haven't even met this love child of Howard and mine, but, I can tell you the love I feel and the RESPONSIBILITY I feel towards protecting, nurturing, loving and helping this child become the most incredible grown adult is more than I ever imagined feeling and I know it's only going to get stronger. So how is it that she was the kind of mother she was? Did my brothers and I just get a bad seed??
Reason 2: Loving my life and lifestyle - just the way it is.
My husband and I travel a lot. We have booming careers and love romantic and exotic trips away - with just the two of us. I knew that no matter how hard we tried - a baby would inevitably change that. A few years ago - I would have said heck no to motherhood because I didn't think I would ever be able to give that freedom of lifestyle up with my hubby.
Reason 3: Could we give this child a great start to life??
I'm so used to being an independent woman. Hello 1990's girl ... and insert Destiny's Child anthems Bills, Bills, Bills, Independent Women, Survivor.... you name it. Those were my ANTHEMS growing up - back when I decided I would never 'depend on a man' financially. That being said, could I ... could WE provide the kind of life for our child that I would be honored and proud to provide? A life that doesn't include saddling our child with student loans, car payments, and roommates until they're nearly 30 just to make ends meet. I've been there and done that... and while it was fun, it was also incredibly stressful on me in my late teens and early 20's.
Reason 4: Could I be that FUN, LOVING and ENGAGED mother?
I don't recall EVER doing anything but shopping with my mother. Forget arts, crafts, games, projects... if we did something together it was spending money that my parents didn't have that my father slaved away to earn. Would that be genetic that I am not an engaged mom?? I feared things like that! I don't recall my mother going on any field trips with me or playing Barbies with me. The most my mother would do in our home was to ask for help with the dishes or ask for someone to bring her a glass of ice water or tea. I didn't want to be that kind of mother - the kind that says things like, "I'm too tired too cook for dinner, fend for yourself." FEND FOR YOURSELF. Would I ask my young child to fend for themselves?
Reason 5: Would I even BE a good mother?
Connects me back to Reason #1 and #4 ... is the bad seed genetic? I didn't want to become a mom 5 years ago out of fear that I'd be just like her. That I could abandon my responsibilities- my children, my home and my career - for a terrible man who truly didn't deserve the mom we thought we knew.
This fear was crippling. Did I have it in me to be more SELFLESS than her?
But for real... now it's happening and I can be scared shit less but I can't fail this baby. In about 4 months a little human is going to come into this world and forever change Howard and my life. He will be this child's daddy and I will be this child's mommy. There's no going back and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that God has chosen this baby to be ours and I hope that our baby is bouncing on my grandmothers and Howie's mother's knee before joining us. I know I have what it takes to be an incredible mother - because I have been SHOWN both.
Over the weekend on the flight, I felt this baby kicking and tears just streamed down my face.
Baby Wilson - you barely know me. You've just recently started hearing mommy's voice. The most you've heard from me to date is my heartbeat, my blood whooshing passed you, and my tummy growling. But, I TRULY love you. Becoming your mother has been the biggest dream come true - a dream I didn't even realize I had. I already knowingly sing to you. And, I can still hear my grandmother singing to me as a very young little girl. I love to sing to you! I love when you move and I can feel you. I love hearing your heart beat at appointments and feeling a little movement on my ever swelling tummy. Baby Wilson, I promise to be the best mother that I can be - and I don't know that much about being a mother - but I promise to never stop learning how to be the best for you. Thank you for changing my world.